Aaaaand NOW--- Introducing Herb The Battle Unicorn™ - The Action Figure

Herb the Battle Unicorn™, the kick-ass and take name defender of all that is right and good in the face of the Carnivalé Clown Posse is now being represented in this realm as a super wack action figure with mythic powers and shit. Everyone is now familiar with Herb, his antics having been celebrated far and wide, so the next iteration in the iterations of his ever-evolving ecosystemic multi-dimensional rhizome of Herbness® must necessarily be an action figure of Mysterious Providence.®

Herb is primarily known for jokes so weird and insightful that they are never considered funny until well into the future. Also, Herb knows all currently relevant jokes in the Universe at this moment, having long ago created them and having watched them bomb terribly because nobody got them yet. Concerning jokes: one should always keep in mind a thing my Grandmother says -- even more so now that she's not among the living -- "Just because the joke is on you, doesn't mean you shouldn't laugh." That, folks, is a riddle and a conundrum right there, and a useful thing to keep in mind, given Herb's tendency toward practical jokes so horribly hilarious and inspired that their true portent may take long to appreciate. Not only that, but these things are all rhizomes. He's a caution, but Herb also has a mission, so staying out of the path of a pointed punch line is as simple as being one of Herb's posse. Herb's posse is basically everyone that isn't trying to make anyone else's life more stupid in one way or another, so it's not a tall order. If it IS a tall order, then you still need Herb. Even worse than the other folks, but you may find the jokes less funny.

Herb the Battle Unicorn Action Figure, (Herb has a secret name and identity anyhow, so don't get too caught up in particulars) appears in many forms. Herb was always once a horse, but after a space accident, was retrofitted with a special Screw-Action-Magical-Bionic-Goring-Horn, Lightning-Bolt-All-Seeing-Eyes with swivel action for past and future, Neutrino-Nose flame-snorts, Chimerated Rattlesnake Fangs, Snake-Action-Hair-Extention mane transformation, and so many other secret weapons as to make Adam West break out in a sweat just thinking about it. Whatever. The Action Figure project is a dynamic play of synchronicities as an ongoing conversation, from which emerges the inter-dimensional figure, Herb the Battle Unicorn whose mission is the protection of the innocent by means of total magical means. Inventions have even begun to emerge from this process. The "Tyrant Tick-Tock Device," for instance.

Herb enjoys his time fighting douchebags and such, but Herb's not always serious, in the words of a hymn in his honor: "Herb just wants to have fun."


We shall introduce, here, the distinct iterations of Herb the Battle Unicorn® - The Action Figure, which will be a very limited edition of an unspecified number. If you find a Herb, then lucky you, you have a friend in another, luckier dimension. Also, if your Herb escapes, don't worry. Herb's real existence is in dimensions and parties. Wherever those things happen, you will find Herb. Live long and may Herb bless your existence with groovy fun. (Dance music is always appreciated by Herb, as are tributes rendered in Limerick or Haiku form, but preferably some hybrid of the two and hopefully dirty.)

The real Herb the Battle Unicorn has a selection of carved, wooden screw-action goring horns. The action figure represents this in many guises that reference depictions and lore of the unicorn in culture, among other things. Down this road lies a lot of stuff.